


Saturday

by FieryUnicorn



Category: I Was Born for This - Alice Oseman
Genre: Brief Bliss Lai and Piero, Canon Divergence, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-30 21:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17231744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FieryUnicorn/pseuds/FieryUnicorn
Summary: What happens from Saturday onwards, but differently. A re-write.





	Saturday

I wake up from being shaken by someone. “What,” I mumble. I slowly open my eyes to see that the person shaking me was no other than Rowan.

“You fucking dickhead!” he shouts. “Why did _you_ do this to us? Why didn’t you reply to my fucking messages? I can’t believe we had to fucking drive all the way here to bloody Kent just to get you. Why can’t you fucking tell me anything?”

Lister is standing next to him. “All right Ro,” he says, “you can stop shaking him like bloody maracas.”

I try to recall the events that happened earlier this week. Jowan, Bliss Lai, love-crazy fangirls, Lister and his alcoholism, Rowan being hit in the head by a random girl, Angel from the bathroom… It was a lot. I pressed my hand against my forehead. Not to mention I messed up everything, didn’t I?

Rowan has stopped shouting. Then sits down on the bed next to me and pulls me into a hug. “Jesus fucking Christ, I thought you’ve been kidnapped. Thank God I still remember your fucking home number. Look at you sleeping next to a _knife_ on a bedside table. You could fucking kill yourself.” He moves back and changes his tone again. “Are you all right? Did anything happen? Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“Mate, slow down, let him answer the questions one at a time,” says Lister.

I feel half asleep and disoriented.

Rowan shakes his head. “Why did you come here, Jimmy?”

I take a deep breath.

“I don’t want to be in The Ark anymore,” I reply. My voice was weak, it was barely a whisper.

Lister and Rowan stare down at me as if I said the sky was bright purple.

“Where’s that girl?” Rowan raises his voice again. “She’s got some explaining to do.”

That girl? Angel?

Rowan storms out of the room but Lister says. He looks so cold, unlike himself. He rummages through my wardrobe and chucks some clothes at me.

“You’re not naked under there, are you?” He asks, raising an eyebrow. “Come on, it’s nearly one in the afternoon.”

“Nearly _one_?”

I hate myself.

Lister leaves the room and I get dressed. When I go to the kitchen, I’m greeted by Rowan shouting at Angel. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

Angel and Rowan are standing on the opposite sides of the table. I can’t tell if Angel looks starstruck or like she’s about to cry. Probably both.

Rowan continues shouting. “I know who you are, _Angel_ , you spent a whole night at that fandom meet-up with Bliss. She’s my girlfriend and she told me all about you.”

I didn’t know that Angel knows Bliss, and it seems like Angel is trying to make sense of her current situation too.

“I saw pictures of you and Jimmy on the internet,” Rowan aggressively points at Angel, “then Bliss messages me out of nowhere, saying she knows you.” He lets out a sigh of frustration. “What the fuck is going on?”

I feel overwhelmed.

Rowan turns to me. “You don’t know what you’re fucking doing, Jimmy. You can’t just let some girl encourage you to leave The Ark!”

I frown. “Where the hell did you get that from? Angel didn’t do anything. It was _my_ decision to leave The Ark.”

“You want to leave The Ark?” Angel asks. She sounds shocked.

Rowan calms down a bit and looks at Angel. “You really didn’t do anything?”

“Of course I didn’t,” she says, her voice stronger with passion now, “The Ark means so much to me, I _never_ hope for it to disband.”

“Sorry for shouting at you,” Rowan mumbles, barely loud enough for Angel to hear. Then he stares at me and starts shouting again. “Jimmy, you can’t make decisions like that by yourself. Cecily is freaking out about the contract!”

I feel myself starting to shout too. “Stop treating me like I’m younger and dumber than you, Rowan!”

Rowan takes a moment to breathe. “I’m not! It’s just… that you’re more _fragile_ than…”

“Fragile than what? You and Lister?”

“Well, yeah.”

I clench my fists. “I’m not fragile! Why are you always treating me like a baby?”

“Because you’re the one who does shit like this! Like running away right before we have a fucking prime time chat show recording.”

Oh God. What have I done?

“Enough.” Granddad interrupts. “Arguing like this won’t solve anything. We’re all adults.”

“Fine,” Rowan says, out of respect for granddad, who is shaking his head at the ordeal. “But I don’t want this fangirl anywhere near us. I don’t know what the fuck you want but you’re creepy as fuck.”

“She’s fine,” I say in Angel’s defence.

“Jimmy! They’re all the same!” Rowan rolls his eyes. “Fans all just want to take pictures of us, fuck us or watch us fuck each other. That’s all they want!”

I glance at Angel, who looks shocked. I can imagine how she’s feeling since the Rowan right here is very different from the Rowan she sees on TV.

“Stop.” Granddad held up a hand. “We’re going to have a civil conversation in the living room about Jimmy wants and the best course of action in an hour to give yourselves time to calm down.”

Everyone goes silent.

“All right,” Rowan says, giving me a sour look before leaving the kitchen.

Lister is sitting on a chair, drumming his fingers restlessly on the kitchen counter, seemingly lost in thought.

I look at Angel. “Sorry,” I tell her.

I’m sorry for dragging her into my personal mess, and I’m sorry to tell her about the future of The Ark, or lack of.

 

 

I go to my room and close the room. Mentally exhausted, I sit on the floor cross-legged with the bed behind my back and held onto my knife. Somehow, it calms me down a bit. My head is no longer spinning as fast and my heart is no longer pounding as hard.

I’ve… really been neglecting everyone, haven’t I? After seeing what Lister had been like this week, I should get him therapy. Whether I’d ever be able to return his feelings or not, we’re close friends.

And Rowan… I feel so much more distant from him than we used to be. Maybe he’s right, I _am_ being a baby who just wants to run away from everything. But him calling me fragile hit me right in the bullseye. It felt like he was saying “You’re weaker than us because you’re not _really_ a guy.” Although I know that the real Rowan would never say that. Have I somehow become weaker? In the past, I’ve braved myself to talk to about my feelings, to say that I was a boy when no one believed me, to come out as transgender, and to talk through gender dysphoria with a gender therapist to finally get on hormone blockers. When you’re trans, you have no choice but to face the world, because there are people who automatically hate you for existing even though they don’t know you.

Rowan said I was strong.

How did it come to this?

I miss the days where we were just having fun together, uploading videos onto YouTube whenever we felt like it. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy playing music together, and it’s amazing that we can be this famous, but we didn’t want such crazy fangirls, especially one crazy enough to hit Rowan on the head with a brick. I can’t think of any reason strong enough for her to do that that she thought it was worth risking a charge for attempted murder for.

I sigh and check my phone. There’s a headline about me on BBC News:

 **_The Ark frontman Jimmy Kaga-Ricci goes missing during chat show recording._ ** 

I messed up. Now the fanbase will start spouting silly conspiracy theories about this or whatever. On the other hand, I’m going to leave The Ark, so I won’t have to deal with this anymore. No more news. No more fangirls. No more everything. How can these fangirls obsess over us and claim to _love_ us when they don’t even know us?

I have about half an hour before I’m going back to the others in the living room, so I scroll through twitter, which is full of fans freaking out about my supposed dramatic breakdown. I mindlessly tap on some links and end up on a The Ark fan blog. It’s interesting to observe how others see me, besides, I have nothing to do in the meantime. I tap on the blog entry titled “What The Ark means to me.” I half expect it to be about how attractive Rowan is or how they would kill for Jowan.

Here it goes:

 

_No words can describe how much I admire Jimmy Kaga-Ricci and The Ark as a whole. They have gotten me through some of the darkest times of my life. I’m a trans guy myself, and I have been bullied for not conforming to my gender assigned at birth, and my teachers didn’t do shit about it. My parents are very homophobic and transphobic too. It might sound dumb, but The Ark helped me cope with so much. Especially Jimmy._

_It’s very refreshing to see a trans guy in a popular boy band who is talented and attractive and has amazing friends for bandmates. It sucks how the news these days feel the need to write more transphobic articles to ‘show both sides of the argument’ for every positive article we get because they, for some reason, can’t comprehend that we just want to live without being a debate. No one chose to be trans._

_Anyway, as a musician, people like Jimmy and Laura Jane Grace are so inspirational. The Ark gives me hope that it can get better, and I feel motivated to carry on, to never give up when I listen to their music._

_Thank you, Jimmy, Rowan, and Lister for being who you are and producing banging music._

 

I have finished reading the blog entry, but I haven’t stopped staring at my phone.

This isn’t… the kind of fangirl… you all are… Why am I so fixated on hating fangirls in the first place? Of course there are be crazy fangirls out there, but there are also many people who aren’t, like Angel. Maybe it’s true that _they_ don’t know me enough to truly love _me_ , but on the other hand, _I_ don’t know _them_ enough to judge them. God, I’m a hypocrite.

I’m having an epiphany.

I scroll through the comments of the blog entry. Some of them say they are ecstatic to see a mixed race or black musician in the industry, and how they didn’t realise how much representation makes them feel much better until they found us. Thankfully, there are no rude or ignorant comments since this isn’t a mainstream news article. I strongly advise you not to read the comments of any news article about LGBT+ issues, especially those with any mention of the T+ part. They always make me anxious. I’ve always had the low-key fear of, I don’t know, being murdered simply for being trans.

 

 

Someone knocks on my bedroom door. “Jimmy,” granddad calls. “Are you ready?”

“Coming,” I reply. I jump up and join the others. I can physically _feel_ the unease seeping back into me. My mind is flooded with questions like “Do they hate me now?” They probably have just as many questions for me too.

To my surprise, the living room is empty.

“Where-“

Granddad interrupted me. “Everyone’s at the garage.”

The garage? Why?

I follow granddad to the garage. I can’t see anything yet, but I can hear chattering and a rhythm on an old snare drum. I remember the sound. What happened in the hour I was away?

Lister sat on the tatty stool of our rusty old drum kit, and Rowan stood with our old guitar next to two cheap keyboards which I used to play. Angel gazes are our instruments.

“Come on Jim,” says Lister, “Let’s jam.”

I plug in the keyboard and adjust the setting, hands moving with muscle memory. “What are we playing?” I ask.

Rowan stares at a wall.

“Remember Jimmy’s fourteenth birthday party?” Lister says, “we’d been planning to watch the Lord of the Rings films back to back, but instead we spent four hours in the garage coming up with our own electro version of ‘Happy Birthday.’”

“Then Joan and I came and watched and clapped,” granddad laughs.

“ _It’s Jimmy’s birthday_ ,” I sang. The lyrics slipped out of my mouth before I realise what I’m doing. Embarrassment rushes over me.

I look up, and Lister laughs. Even Rowan is smiling now. I can’t help but smile too.

Lister does a drum roll. “All right,” he shouts. “Five, six, seven eight!”

We all start singing from the top of our lungs, except for Angel, who listens in awe of the whole thing. Even though it had been years since we played this stupid song, it sounds better than it ever did. Lister is making up little drum fills in the middle, which he couldn’t do back then, and Rowan is improvising a guitar solo. I want to contribute too, so I start experimenting with a countermelody on the keyboard, which sounds better than I expected.

We all laugh, and I almost forget everything that has happened.

Suddenly, Bliss appears.

Rowan drops his smile. “Bliss? What are you doing here?”

“You told me you were here, and you might want to tell Cecily to notify the press that’s Jimmy’s safe,” Bliss says casually. She steps closer to Rowan. “Ro, we need to talk.”

Rowan looks tense.

“Okay kids,” granddad says, “Let’s give Rowan and Bliss some space for a few minutes, eh?”

We agree, and everyone but Rowan and Bliss leaves the garage. I tug Lister. He stops walking and we let Angel and granddad disappear inside the house.

“Lister, I-I…” I stutter. I find it difficult to form the words.

“Take your time,” he assures.

“Sorry, I wanted to say that… I can’t return your feelings right now.”

He raises an eyebrow. “ _Right now_?”

“I like you, as a friend for sure, but romantically, I don’t know how I feel.”

“Look, the last thing I want is to force you to date me. It doesn’t matter if you like me back.” His voice dwindles to a whisper.

I mean, he’s attractive, but I need some time to figure it out.

“Lister,” I say, “whatever happens, the three of us are friends forever. If you need anyone,” I pat my chest, “we’re here for you.”

“Thanks,” Lister says with a slight smile.

“Also, you should get therapy.”

He nods tentatively. “Maybe I should.”

“I have a lot of good therapy connections.”

Then Rowan and Bliss step out of the garage, with a distance between them. Rowan is sniffing. I presume Bliss broke up with Rowan, possibly because Bliss can’t handle the paparazzi and intrusion that comes with being the girlfriend of a popular boy band member, but Bliss doesn’t seem sad or frustrated. However, I can tell that Rowan genuinely loves Bliss, and Bliss still looks longingly at Rowan. I feel bad for them. I wonder if they will make up one day, hopefully when the media stops harassing us. She waves goodbye to us and leaves the three of us alone.

The three of us are together again.

Rowan takes a death breath. “So, why do you want to leave The Ark?”

The breeze turned cold.

All my bottled-up thoughts pour out. “I don’t like this fame. I don’t enjoy life anymore, I feel like _I’m forcing myself to be this other person again_ , lying to everyone about who I am. I feel fake. I can’t do the things I want. I don’t feel safe anymore but after that Jowan photo this week… I’m… I feel like I’m going insane.”

“I don’t understand,” Rowan says, “we’re getting rich and famous, millions of people love our music. What’s wrong?”

“Are you even listening?” I snap. “I feel like I’m putting on a front for the public, pretending to be someone I’m not, I can’t do it. I don’t enjoy being in a band anymore. Even Lister has an alcohol problem.”

“Lister… what?”

“Yes. Remember when I first told you that I was trans? You said there’s no point if forcing myself to live as someone I’m not makes me miserable, and that the most importantly thing is to be me, to be happy. Well I’m fucking miserable now. When did you let fame and money take over your head?”

Rowan is taken aback, seemingly having a revelation.

Lister nudges both of us. “Looks like I’m not the only one who needs therapy.”

“I’m sorry,” Rowan says in a quieter voice. “You can leave if you want. I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

“I thought about it, I don’t want to leave.”

Rowan stares at me. “What?”

“How did you turn a 180-degrees within a day?” Lister says.

“I do, kind of,” I say.

Rowan taps his foot impatiently. “For fuck’s sake, stop contradicting yourself, do you want to or not?”

“I’m not leaving The Ark. I really don’t want to leave you two. That’ll be horrible. Besides, we mean a lot to our fans.”

“Like that girl Angel,” Lister explains, “she was kind and full of passion. She believed in us, and she loved us.”

Rowan looks back at the house. “Yeah, she definitely wasn’t who I thought she was. I apologised to her.” He sounds genuinely remorseful.

“You mean she wasn’t a crazy fan?”

“She was a crazy fan, but not in the way I thought they were. Not all of them anyway.”

“I think we’ve helped a lot of people,” I add, thinking back to the hour I spent alone in my bedroom, “like give them someone to look up to.”

Rowan nods. “Yeah.”

Lister puts his fist between me and Rowan. “Let’s change things. No more of being pressured to be someone we’re not. Fuck the new contract because we do what we want because we’re The Ark.”

Rowan puts his fist in the middle and looks at me. He nods encouragingly, so I did the same.

“Yeah!” Lister shouts.

“Fuck you, we do what we want!” I yell down the street.

“Fuck the world!” Rowan yells after me.

I can just about hear the front door open. Angel and granddad appear behind us, looking impressed and confused at the same time.

“Angel!” I yell. “Thanks for everything, for helping me and for being our fan!”

“Thanks for sticking with us!” Lister screams.

Rowan waves at her. “Me too!”

She looks like she’s about to burst of happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> A bit of criticism of the book from me. It's not the worst book, I don't regret reading it at all, but there were aspects of it that could be improved. I really like the premise though.
> 
> I feel like the fact that Jimmy is trans seem to be added for "diversity points" rather than it being a part of him. The only times we learn that Jimmy is trans is when the book casually mentions he has a trans pin, hormone blockers, testosterone injections, which is great and all, depending on the type of book. It may seem contradictory to say that it's not a good idea to make being LGBT+ a part of a character's personality, but I think what that means is you need to find a decent balance between how much being LGBT+ affects a characters life and other aspects of that character. For a major character like Jimmy in I Was Born for This, a book that involves so much personal conflict and emotion, you'd expect there to be something related to Jimmy's feelings from being trans, especially that Jimmy has anxiety. Unlike sexuality, gender is a lot more "involved" in your life, and it's especially obvious if you're trans. I find myself thinking "Why isn't he anxious about anything trans related? Wouldn't he likely feel dysphoric in this situation?" I think you can get away with this level of "transness" in a book about fighting dragons or something, but not in a book like I Was Born for this.
> 
> At some point, Jimmy says, "I can't deal with these unsaid feelings. I don't want to know about them. I don't want to think about them." And it puzzled me because he's trans. How on Earth didn't he do the same to his gender when he was younger? If he thinks that way all the time, he'd be repressing the hell out of his gender, which is very common among trans people. Maybe the author didn't think it through. My interpretation is that Jimmy was taken over by his anxiety at that time, but he's normally a reasonably strong person.
> 
> I feel like there are a few good themes that can be explored and have been missed out, like how much diversity means to a fan who can finally see someone like them in the media. There's also the potential parallel of comparing Jimmy being someone he doesn't want to be in the media making him deeply miserable to him being trans. Stuff like that.
> 
> While it's terrible to make being LGBT+ the entire personality of a character, it's definitely possible to "underdo" it. But I like that Jimmy's gender is respected. I don't think it was done wrong, but it would just be nice if there was more. I'm also pointing out that I appreciate how the story doesn't revolve around Jimmy being trans, but it could have been written better.
> 
> More points I could make about the book is that it felt too melodramatic at times, and the story was messy. I Was Born for This book had the potential to be very good, but I personally found it disappointing as a whole. I could go on.
> 
> Side note: I'm trans.


End file.
